Wine Not?

Those of you who know me well, know that I hate going to stores and have just about anything I can delivered to my home. Including my groceries. I’ve been using Blue Apron for over a year now. Delivery of the ingredients and recipes of 3 meals a week direct to my door means I get a great variety of meals, including things I’d never tried before, without the painful process of having to research recipes, make grocery lists, and drive to and from the store.

So, when I discovered Blue Apron has wine delivery, I thought, “Why not?” I like wine. I don’t like stores. And I always gravitate towards the same wines when I do go to the store. Here’s a chance to try new things AND get it delivered to my house. Minimal effort. Potentially big payout. There’s just one problem. You have to be home to sign for it. After three failed delivery attempts, I finally got it sorted out and the box of wine was delivered to a FedEx near my office. I picked it up last night on my way home.

It is exactly what I’d hoped (other than the delivery snafu). A selection of wines that I’ve never had before. Additionally, there is an informational card with each one, explaining everything you might want to know about said wine. So far, I’ve tried two. A red and a white. The red was ok. The white was definitely repeatable.

This delivery of wine and why I did it is really what drives me today in my life. People give me a hard time for not wanting to go to stores and deal with people, some may even seem that it’s lazy. But here’s the real deal. I’m living my life. I want to experience new things. And maybe it seems like a short cut to have someone else provide what I’m going to experience, but isn’t that what life really is anyway? It just gives me more time to spend on living.

I speculated once that we might just be collections of the things we experience through and because of other people. I’m not saying who I am is only because of who I share my life with and the things I’ve gone through with them. But, it definitely leaves a stamp on you. Music, movies, food, interests. All of it. If we didn’t open our minds and hearts to what is possible, then we might as well spend our time wandering the grocery store, looking for the ketchup but always in the wrong aisle.

Because of my friends, the people who have come and gone, I am more than I was before. I play derby, I eat seafood, I’ve opened my musical horizons, I like biking (despite the pain in the ass it can be, literally), I’ve seen Cannibal! The Musical (it’s terrible, but catchy), I’ve been on stage and performed in live theatre. I am more than the sum of my parts, but those parts are just as important as who I was to start with and who I’ve become because of it.

So, Who’s that Girl?

From the Outside Looking In

I’ve been wanting to write another blog entry for some time. But every time I began to write, the words that would come out were sad, lonely, and depressive. So I’d stop. Tonight I realized that I’ve been shying away from posting because I didn’t want to expose my cracks. But the whole reason I started this blog was to express myself and so I wasn’t being true to what I need.

I’ve been struggling lately. Struggling with feeling connected. Positive. Wanted. Needed. I do not live a life alone. But I’m lonely. The kind of lonely that makes even the best days hard. My life is filled with people who care about me, whom I care about and make my life full. And yet, there is this emptiness that won’t be filled.

It’s been almost two years since the divorce. And almost three since we separated. And I needed time to figure out who I was and what I needed. But I also realized, early on in that process, that I had come to the point in my emotional growth to admit that I wanted, needed someone to lean on. Someone to share who I am and what I can be and who they are and just…. everything. But, how to do any of that in technological world of easy access, in your face, never make a clean break of anything? No start, no end, no clear lines of what is what and why try for anything real when you just swipe right and find the next person?

The look of incredulity on people’s faces when I tell them that meeting new people is hard for me is mostly amusing. I understand why most people don’t believe me. But what I really mean is that opening up is hard for me. And it’s getting harder.

I recently went on a few dates. The kind where you think to yourself, “this is good, I can do this, there’s hope here, did I just say that, seems to be okay, let’s do this again”. I have no expectations going into these situations. Whether it’s 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months….. it isn’t about a plan for any future or a checklist of things in my life I need to do or want. It’s about making a connection and seeing where it goes.

So, when the realization occurs that you’re not in the same place and you need to move on and then it hits you that you’re hurt in a situation where that seems unreasonable, what do you do? You have to question it, or you don’t learn from the situation. So, here is what I’ve realized about myself. About why I feel like this crack, this exposed part of me is raw and getting harder to protect. If I’ve admitted that I’m interested, that there might be more to explore, you’ve somehow managed to make it past some of my walls, my insecurities, my fear. Enough to make me comfortable to consider opening up.

The idea of causal connections (and I don’t mean just sex, but simply casual interactions with people) is not something at which I’m not good. And I think that’s what you need to be able to do, to meet people, to date, to get to know someone and say, “You’re cool, but this isn’t going to work” and move on requires a level of fearlessness and openness that is just not in me.

What this means for me, I don’t know. What I do know is that what I want hasn’t changed. I want someone who will tell me I’m gorgeous, smart, funny, goofy, witty, sarcastic, sexy, interesting, and all the other things I am and mean it and not be just a friend (I appreciate my friends who remind me of all these things, but it’s not the same) and who wants to share who they are, their good, their bad, their ugly with me.