Melancholy, Table for One

I sincerely hope that these bouts of melancholy are not going to become common. I've never been one to succumb to being overly emotional. Whether it was my upbringing or just my own natural response to negativity, I've spent my life living on a pretty even keel. It takes a lot to truly anger me (although when you do, you should be afraid) and most things just roll right off my back. Likewise, I don't often get over excited about much. I have a sense of humor that is definitely off-color but also a little off-kilter, because humor is how I deal with most situations. And yet, I find myself, for the second time in as many weeks suffering from apparent melancholy.

I've been feeling inadequate in so many aspects of my life recently that I'm not sure what to do. I applied for what I would consider my dream job with my dream company and have had nothing but crickets in the deathly silence. I even went so far as to attempt to contact the hiring manager directly after not hearing anything from the normal channels. I know that I could bring a lot to the company, but this has definitely put a chink in my professional armour. Add to that the frustrations I've been having in my current job and I feel as if I'm slipping, as if the excellence that has brought me to where I am in my career is gone and I will not succeed. Overreact much?

I'm also struggling with body issues. While this is nothing new, and many women have the same problem, I'm certain it's amplified by being single again. As if there aren't enough things for me to worry about, how do I compete with women who are prettier, thinner, more athletic? I know it isn't a competition, but the laws of attraction dictate there has to be something there first. And even if I ignore all that, what about the fact that I'm falling short on my own expectations for myself? I know I'll never be that size 10 I was in my early 20's, but even my realistic goals seem so hard to accomplish.

 And finally, today's musing. Would you continue to do something that you know will likely end in a spectacular crash and burn that could leave you broken, because the ride is amazing and life changing?

Confessions of a Lonely Woman

Friday night I was in a car accident, and while I won’t go into the details I will say that this has been a humbling experience. I was very lucky that no one else was involved and that I wasn’t hurt badly. I’ve a pretty bad bruise across my stomach and legs from the seat belt and some neck and back pain, but all in all, it’s not bad.

Saturday morning I called the insurance company, put in the claim, reserved and picked up a rental car.  Basically got the ball rolling to get this bad situation figured out. Once all that was done I spent the day with the Bootleggers, first for practice and then a scrimmage for the 301’s. It was a great day, but I was definitely worn out.

And this is where things started going a little sideways for me. Coming home to an empty house isn’t something that typically bothers me. In fact, I’ve enjoyed just being able to do what I want, when I want. Saturday evening was a different matter. I suddenly felt extremely lonely. I took all the steps necessary to get the situation moving forward, there wasn’t anything else for me to focus on so the emotional impact started to hit me.

There are times in your life when you just need someone to wrap you in their arms, give you a kiss and tell you that everything will be right with the world. That this moment of shakiness will pass…. It isn’t something that I’ve often felt, having spent most of my life pushing my emotions down. It makes me feel uncomfortable, to be so vulnerable.

My friends have been supportive and have offered the comfort that they can and I am so grateful to have so many caring people in my life. I realize my friendship with my ex is strange to some, but yesterday he really helped me out. We had a very good conversation about the accident, relationships, moving on and putting yourself out there. It’s good to know that we can talk honestly about what is going on in our lives.

Today, I went to the chiropractor to check out my neck and back pain. He doesn’t seem too worried, although once he saw the bruise to my stomach he decided we should get x-rays. So, tomorrow I’ll go in for a treatment and to hear the results of my x-rays.

This afternoon the adjustor called to tell me that my car would be totaled out, which is what I expected, so I went to the tow lot to pick get my belongings out of the car. I took another look at the damage and I am so thankful for outcome. It’s sad I have to get another car, but I walked out alive and well, without even a ticket. I think I truly live a charmed life.

Tonight I go shopping for another car…. 

Catch Up

Forgive me, readers, it’s been 4 months since my last blog. I know you’ve all be sitting on the edge of your seats waiting for my next entry. I will apologize for the length of this blog, but so much has happened since I last posted….

On Derby: When last I posted, I was preparing for my last home season bout as a rookie. That game has come and gone and I ended my rookie season as a championship winner. My team won for the 4^th year in a row, and now I’m lucky enough to say that I contributed to one of those wins. It was a very tough game, as the Maidens were out for our blood. We were tied at the half and again at the end, going into the first over-time jam I’ve experienced. We were all standing by the benches, unable to stay seated for the heated jam that would follow. It was, to say the least, the most amazing ending to my very first season as a rostered skater.

I followed that up with an amazing interleague season, skating on the B team (Brewcity Battlestars). I skated in all but one game, and I cannot even begin to express how much fun I had, finally getting the opportunity to skate with girls from the other home teams. I got to skate in 2 of the 3 Brewhaha games (ensuring that I wouldn’t party until Sunday night – of course, I made up for having to wait 3 days), and while we did not win either of those games, we played two teams that really pushed us to work together as a team and made us all want to work harder, to be better. I participated in my first “travel” bouts, riding for hours on a coach bus with the All-Stars and other Battlestars, through Iowa and Nebraska, to play two very fun games. The Sunday drive home after our hangover bout in Iowa reminded me a little bit of college, with a bloody Mary bar, drinks and “walk-offs”. I even made the Battlestars “Dream Team”, voted on by Battlestar management. What a way to end my season!

I’ve been traveling a bit more for work this year, so I also got the opportunity to skate with the Battle Born Derby Demons (BBDD) in Reno and OC Roller Girls in California. The BBDD skate outside by the river, which was a lot of fun, although an interesting twist, having people around to watch practice. In the OC, I tried banked track roller derby for the very first time. I had to join the “freshies” before being allowed to skate with the league members, but it was totally worth it. I learned not only how to do transitions on a banked track (which is definitely different), but also how to roll off the railing. I kid you not, they teach you how to skate up to the rail, hit the base with your toe stops and roll off, a skill that is definitely not necessary in flat track derby. After the first hour of basic skills, I joined the full-league skaters in some game-like drills and then got to scrimmage. What a rush! Only one penalty (and not the one everyone was expecting me to get) for a low block (a pile up on the inside of the track). It’s kind of thrill to not only hit someone, but to get to legally hit them into a railing. J

On my recent trip to Athens, Greece (more about that later), I had the opportunity to co-lead a practice of the Athens Rollaways with a skater from France, in the shadow of the Olympic park. The team is very new with skill levels ranging from brand new skaters, to some ready to take on contact play. It was great seeing the girls take learn the drills we were teaching them and see them improve over a short period of time. International derby, gotta love it!

This summer I also joined the coaching team for the recreational league, the Brewcity Bootleggers. I love the opportunity to teach new girls derby, to share my passion with them, to see them grow as athletes and friends.  One of the girls, every time she sees me, says “Hey, coach!” and I can’t help but feel proud of myself. As we approach this year’s draft, I’m excited to see the girls who are interested in being league members’ show off what they’ve learned and how much they’ve grown over the last year.

On Love: Well, everything must come to an end and unfortunately, my marriage came to an end this past May. It was an amiable separation and subsequent divorce, and I’m glad to say that we’ve maintained a good friendship. For the most part, the responses of our friends and family have been very supportive, for which I am eternally grateful. Despite our friendly de-spousing, negative feedback can be very stressful, and I’m glad there was so little. So, once again, after 13 years, I find myself single and starting to muse on what the future brings for me.

So here are my musings…. After being in such a long relationship, I think it’s appropriate to not rush into anything again so soon. And yet, do you completely close yourself off to the possibility of something, just to not rush into something? The idea of being single is both exciting and scary…navigating your own the emotions, let alone those of others (and trust me, I’ve never been good at either of those). Is it worth it, that moment when you realize that there may be more? That first kiss? The kind of intimacy that makes you vulnerable? The warm, fuzzy feeling you get when you are able to make someone else feel special? Or, when it dawns on you that what you feel is not returned? Is it all worth it?

I don’t know what the future brings for me in the relationship department, but I will attempt to approach it in the same manner I do most everything else. With an open mind and, hopefully, with success.

On Body: It wasn’t always so, but I now consider myself an athlete. I’ve spent the last two years working hard to become a competitive derby player and I feel like I’m accomplishing that goal. I practice hard and I’ve started cross-training to make my game better… running (getting ready for my first 5K in two weeks!), taking fitness classes, even going back to tap dancing (can’t wait for my first class). And yet, I struggle with body issues and disappointment. I realize that this is normal for everyone, and it isn’t every day, but some days it’s difficult to just feel good about myself. To be fair, I also have those days when I feel fantastic. So, how do I make those days more frequent?

On Leisure: I made it a goal to be more social and outgoing, like I used to be when I was younger, and I am very happy with my progress. Not only have I spent more time with old friends and made new ones, but I recently took a vacation to Athens, Greece by myself. What a thrill! About two and a half weeks before I wanted to take vacation, I purchased my flights in and out of Athens, and didn’t plan a darn thing. I contacted the local roller derby team to see if I could skate with them while on vacation and was actually connected with one of the girls (Vefi) locally, who was gracious enough to let me stay with her for the week. I played each day by ear, visiting (and crawling around) the Acropolis and the museum, took a ferry ride to a nearby island (and while I missed the stop the first time around, made it safely to the port after a quick detour and enjoyed a lazy day at the beach and more climbing around old stuff J), took the local buses and subway to get around both Athens and the island (the subway was easy, but I had to make sure I counted stops on the bus routes to make sure I got off at the right place) and spent my last night in town dancing with the girls before hopping onto a bus to the airport at 2:30 am to catch my 5 am flight.

Having barely made my flight home (connecting thru Warsaw), I felt bad for the girl sitting next to me. I hadn’t slept in 24 hours, smelled like sweat and cigarettes (not my own) but we still had a good chat. With a 6 hour layover in Warsaw and the desire to not spend the next 9.5 hours in my own stink, I discovered a public shower…. On the other side of passport control (which later became an issue). Everyone should experience the joys of a public Polish shower in the airport, without the benefit of a towel. Paper towels are not a very good substitute….but I somehow managed to get dry enough to get back into my (mostly clean) travel clothes.

Feeling refreshed, I went to the information desk to figure out how to get out of the airport and to the city center, where I was sure the Hard Rock Café was located. I’ve been collecting the hurricane glasses since college, and couldn’t resist the opportunity to add to my collection, especially since the Athens location had closed prior to my visit. What I didn’t know was that, having already passed through passport control to get to the shower, I had passed the point of no return. After wandering around trying to figure out how to get out, I finally caught one of the passport control employees to ask about leaving. She told me, in no uncertain terms, that I could not leave….but why would I just leave it at that? I was determined to see a little of Warsaw. Who knew if I’d ever get back to Poland? I insisted that there had to be a way, and a second employee came out and voila! I was on my way to catch a bus. Where Greece was hot, Poland was quite cold, and my burn out t-shirt was not cutting it. I made it into town and by luck (there were no English signs anywhere, unlike in Greece) got off the bus exactly where I needed to be… the Hard Rock was in sight, although not open yet. I found a café to enjoy breakfast while I waited for it to open, got my glass and sweatshirt (because, damn, it was cold!) and headed back to the airport after a little walk.

Upon arriving in Chicago, I drove two hours to Michigan (can you believe I’d never been there before?) to join some friends on the beach. I made it just in time to enjoy a beautiful sunset, dinner at a local brew pub, drinks and games and late night girl talk. It was 3:30 in the morning before I finally turned in, and I’ll admit I was running on fumes at this time. As usual, I was plagued by the inability to sleep in the next morning and found myself wide awake way too early in the morning. After a lazy morning, we found our way back to the beach (I said I wouldn’t wear the swimsuit I bought in Greece here in the states, but I didn’t really have a choice and it wasn’t so bad). I tried paddle boarding for the first time and it was a blast, despite many failed attempts to stay upright AND paddle.

All in all, this year’s vacation was so much fun, having rediscovered my love of exploring and I can’t wait to continue my adventures in the future.

I am a work in progress, a force to be reckoned with, and I will not go quietly into the night (Independence Day, anyone?). Do not underestimate me. Instead, embrace me, let me know you care, help me, share with me and know that your interest in my life is appreciated.