Wine Not?

Those of you who know me well, know that I hate going to stores and have just about anything I can delivered to my home. Including my groceries. I’ve been using Blue Apron for over a year now. Delivery of the ingredients and recipes of 3 meals a week direct to my door means I get a great variety of meals, including things I’d never tried before, without the painful process of having to research recipes, make grocery lists, and drive to and from the store.

So, when I discovered Blue Apron has wine delivery, I thought, “Why not?” I like wine. I don’t like stores. And I always gravitate towards the same wines when I do go to the store. Here’s a chance to try new things AND get it delivered to my house. Minimal effort. Potentially big payout. There’s just one problem. You have to be home to sign for it. After three failed delivery attempts, I finally got it sorted out and the box of wine was delivered to a FedEx near my office. I picked it up last night on my way home.

It is exactly what I’d hoped (other than the delivery snafu). A selection of wines that I’ve never had before. Additionally, there is an informational card with each one, explaining everything you might want to know about said wine. So far, I’ve tried two. A red and a white. The red was ok. The white was definitely repeatable.

This delivery of wine and why I did it is really what drives me today in my life. People give me a hard time for not wanting to go to stores and deal with people, some may even seem that it’s lazy. But here’s the real deal. I’m living my life. I want to experience new things. And maybe it seems like a short cut to have someone else provide what I’m going to experience, but isn’t that what life really is anyway? It just gives me more time to spend on living.

I speculated once that we might just be collections of the things we experience through and because of other people. I’m not saying who I am is only because of who I share my life with and the things I’ve gone through with them. But, it definitely leaves a stamp on you. Music, movies, food, interests. All of it. If we didn’t open our minds and hearts to what is possible, then we might as well spend our time wandering the grocery store, looking for the ketchup but always in the wrong aisle.

Because of my friends, the people who have come and gone, I am more than I was before. I play derby, I eat seafood, I’ve opened my musical horizons, I like biking (despite the pain in the ass it can be, literally), I’ve seen Cannibal! The Musical (it’s terrible, but catchy), I’ve been on stage and performed in live theatre. I am more than the sum of my parts, but those parts are just as important as who I was to start with and who I’ve become because of it.

So, Who’s that Girl?

From the Outside Looking In

I’ve been wanting to write another blog entry for some time. But every time I began to write, the words that would come out were sad, lonely, and depressive. So I’d stop. Tonight I realized that I’ve been shying away from posting because I didn’t want to expose my cracks. But the whole reason I started this blog was to express myself and so I wasn’t being true to what I need.

I’ve been struggling lately. Struggling with feeling connected. Positive. Wanted. Needed. I do not live a life alone. But I’m lonely. The kind of lonely that makes even the best days hard. My life is filled with people who care about me, whom I care about and make my life full. And yet, there is this emptiness that won’t be filled.

It’s been almost two years since the divorce. And almost three since we separated. And I needed time to figure out who I was and what I needed. But I also realized, early on in that process, that I had come to the point in my emotional growth to admit that I wanted, needed someone to lean on. Someone to share who I am and what I can be and who they are and just…. everything. But, how to do any of that in technological world of easy access, in your face, never make a clean break of anything? No start, no end, no clear lines of what is what and why try for anything real when you just swipe right and find the next person?

The look of incredulity on people’s faces when I tell them that meeting new people is hard for me is mostly amusing. I understand why most people don’t believe me. But what I really mean is that opening up is hard for me. And it’s getting harder.

I recently went on a few dates. The kind where you think to yourself, “this is good, I can do this, there’s hope here, did I just say that, seems to be okay, let’s do this again”. I have no expectations going into these situations. Whether it’s 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months….. it isn’t about a plan for any future or a checklist of things in my life I need to do or want. It’s about making a connection and seeing where it goes.

So, when the realization occurs that you’re not in the same place and you need to move on and then it hits you that you’re hurt in a situation where that seems unreasonable, what do you do? You have to question it, or you don’t learn from the situation. So, here is what I’ve realized about myself. About why I feel like this crack, this exposed part of me is raw and getting harder to protect. If I’ve admitted that I’m interested, that there might be more to explore, you’ve somehow managed to make it past some of my walls, my insecurities, my fear. Enough to make me comfortable to consider opening up.

The idea of causal connections (and I don’t mean just sex, but simply casual interactions with people) is not something at which I’m not good. And I think that’s what you need to be able to do, to meet people, to date, to get to know someone and say, “You’re cool, but this isn’t going to work” and move on requires a level of fearlessness and openness that is just not in me.

What this means for me, I don’t know. What I do know is that what I want hasn’t changed. I want someone who will tell me I’m gorgeous, smart, funny, goofy, witty, sarcastic, sexy, interesting, and all the other things I am and mean it and not be just a friend (I appreciate my friends who remind me of all these things, but it’s not the same) and who wants to share who they are, their good, their bad, their ugly with me.

One Year Ago

I've somehow managed to let an entire year go by without blogging. I have to admit, this bothers me a little. I started this blog to talk about my experiences in derby, life, work and (in general) to just help get the crap out of my head.

I realized today that it's also been about year since someone I cared for hurt me in ways I could never have imagined possible. I experienced an emotional and mental break that I'd never imagined possible. And I wonder if my lack of desire to talk about my life has to do with the fact that I began questioning my worth. I've obviously realized since that moment that the problem wasn't me. That the experience that I had gone through had more to do with the deficiencies of that person that anything to do with me, but the toll it took on me to understand that, believe that, to move past that, drained me to an extent that I'd never thought imaginable.

Today, I am happy, (relatively) healthy, communicative, thoughtful, open, caring.... the list goes on. Of course, I was all those things before, but I'm more aware of who I am, what I want, what I "bring to the table".

Next week I'm headed to Reno to speak at a conference, where I'm a member of the advisory board, where I get to help people improve their own experience \ knowledge in an area that I enjoy and excel. I know some days I complain about my job, but overall the trajectory of my career is exactly where I hoped it would be some day. I've been on foreign soil simply for my job. How many people can say that? I sat in a meeting with the owners of my company and spoke as plainly as I would with anyone else in the company and I wasn't fired. I call that a win. :)

I hope that now that I've made the first step towards blogging again that I can maintain it. And that you'll join me in my experiences. In the month to come I will rejoin my home team (The Crazy 8's) for season 10 of our league (woot!), speak at a conference, expand my involvement on the BoD of Brewcity Bruisers, continue my role on the NAVUG advisory board, and maybe even start exploring the world of dating again (admit it, you're definitely interested in this, but I can't promise I'll post any of it).

-It's a new dawn, it's a new day. It's a new life for me. And I'm feeling good.

My Life, the Telenovela

Whether it’s just that I’m finally embracing my Latina side J or just that I’m a little out of control, I’ve been riding an emotion and mental roller coaster ride for the last few months. I’ve never been one to have extreme highs or lows, always being that steady, neutral person. I now fully understand what my friends and loved ones have gone through and I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it.

The hurt, anger and frustration I’ve felt recently, for a period of time, overshadowed the excitement, fun and elation, but I’m learning from it. I’m growing into an emotionally responsible adult who is starting to understand what it is that I want, need, and most of all, deserve. Instead of letting these experiences bring me down and hold me there, I’m coming out of it with the realization that I am an exceptional and extraordinary woman and if you cannot see that and appreciate that, then you aren’t good enough for me. I don’t mean that in a bad way, it’s just the way it is.

I’m learning to have the “hard” conversations first, before I get in too deep, and I demand honest conversation. What are we to each other if we cannot open ourselves to those closest in our lives, to those we are intimate with, to those whose lives are intertwined with ours (if even for a short period of time)? Each experience is a learning one, so open your heart, mind and your mouth. ;) I know it won't be the last time I'm hurt, but I'm getting comfortable with that truth.

There is so much crap on social media, but when “19 Things You Need to Know Before You Date A Sarcastic Girl” (http://thoughtcatalog.com/crissy-milazzo/2014/10/19-things-you-need-to-know-before-you-date-a-sarcastic-girl/) came across my feed, I thought, “Yep, this is me.” And, let’s be honest, you don’t have to be dating a sarcastic girl for this little tidbit to be useful. It’s true in any situation. Every single one of these statements are true and it’s important that you pay special attention to the ones about emotions and shit. I’ve been called many things in my life (bitch, frigid, cold, selfish, etc) and some of them are true some of times, but the thing is if you truly felt that way about me, then you didn’t really know me. And that’s okay, because I know that those are temporary states of being for me.

It hasn’t been all bad, though. Work has been going pretty well and I’m currently on vacation for the next two and a half weeks. I’ve completed my first year as a board member for an ERP user group (with an amazing group of fellow board members) and I’m excited about the opportunity to sit on it for another year.

And there is the cherry on top. I’m going into my second season with the BCB (and my lovely Crazy 8’s) and cannot wait! I’m setting goals for myself and I plan on blowing them out of the water. And then there’s Interleague (IL). I tried out for the All Stars (AS) and was given a red shirt position. (A red shirt gets to practice with the AS, thereby increasing their own skill so that when the time comes, they can be considered for a roster position). I feel my derby skills being stretched and growing all the time and this just means I’m going to get better.

And my lovely Battlestars (BS)! Last season I played on the team and grew so much I knew that I had to keep with it. I’ve always had the goal of being on the AS because I want to compete for rankings, but I’m realistic about my current skill level, so I knew that my time with the BS was not up. I ran for co-captain and was lucky enough to be voted in (along with another lovely lady that is fantastic to work with)! I’m excited about what we’re doing with this year’s group of girls and I can’t wait to skate our first bout together. And get to wear the C on my shoulder, to feel the pride of not only being a part of this fantastic team, but to also say, “Hey, I might have contributed a little bit to this team, to these girls, to the support of our league, to my fellow co-captain and coach” and so much more than that. I’m looking forward to Taco Mondays, No Fun Thursdays, Shenanigans and general tom foolery.

I hope to get back to writing this little word vomit more often, since I realize if you made it this far you might just be sick of reading. Stay tuned and if you want to make sure you don’t miss future insights to my telenovela, make sure to subscribe my email.

PS – Because I know those of you who read the last post were hoping for more juice, hitting your sexual prime without a steady partner sucks! I feel a little like Oliver.... "Please, sir, may I have another?"

Sex on Fire

The definition of levity is humor or frivolity, especially the treatment of a serious matter with humor or in a manner lacking due respect. In my professional life, I'll admit to having a hard time holding my tongue when the obvious joke could be made, especially if sexual. My sense of humor has always been much like a 16 year old boy. Why, you ask, am I talking about this? Because I find myself having the most interesting, hilarious and informative conversations with my female friends that I finally had to break down and put some of it to paper (.com style).

I'm not sure if it's my general lack of concern for appropriateness that brings on these types of conversations or just that we women like to talk, but often times hilarity ensues. And I can count on my friends for very interesting information (don't forget to read A Magical Guide for Evolved People and What Not To Do). From arguments across the table regarding lube (silicon versus water-based) to stories of flinging candy (or nuts!) from a partner's erection to see if he can catch it with his mouth (now affectionately called "dick trebuchet") tears are often threatening to flow freely down my face.

Now, let's just take a moment to think about that last one. How in the world does something like this happen? Sex is fun and the imagination can certainly be applied to change it or spice it up, but what prompted this? "Hey, hon, open you're mouth, I'm going to fling a piece of candy at you. Oh, and I'm going to use your dick." Fun was had by all, but where do you go from there? And yet, very intriguing, once you've heard about it. Who wants to try?

And then there's the question incredulously asked of me, "You mean you haven't had sex with your skates on?". No, because the idea never crossed my mind. And then I start picturing it without any further details and I start laughing. I have to know.... "So, what, he just grabbed your hips and rolled you back and forth?". "Yep." Well, then, that seems reasonable, because you wouldn't be able to keep your feet up in the air for long if you were on your back, because that shit is heavy.

I was going to write more about the serious side of sex, but I'll save that for another day. Whether you're vanilla or kink, let's talk about sex, baby, because maybe you'll learn something new, too.

Reflections Inward

I think I've spent more time in the last few months reflecting on my life, who I am, and what my future holds than ever in the past. I've always believed that there isn't any decision, choice or mistake I've made that is worth regretting, that in the end those things make me who I am. But who am I? And today I started thinking about the influence my friends have on me.

Do you think you can pinpoint the parts of you that are really your friends? For instance, my taste in music hasn't changed, but it's definitely broadened. Or at least, it's been a while since I've sought out any new music. And I find myself on this quest now to find more music that is different to add to my playlist, because I've re-discovered that great quality of music to move and shift with my emotions and personality (because let's face it, we're not the same person every day for every hour). Indie pop, rock, oldies, etc... and of course, booty music!

Food is another example. I've always been an extraordinarily picky eater. There are definitely things that I still don't like (you can't convince me that an olive or mushroom taste good, sorry), but I've tried so many new things over the past year it's hard to imagine I had refused to even try them before (prime rib, oysters, octopus, swordfish).

And travel.... by myself and without a plan. When I started to plan my trip to Greece, the idea stressed me out that I would go without a plan. But then I let go, and it was amazing! And I can't wait to do it again (by myself and hopefully with others, too).

Each of these things, I can pinpoint the person(s) who influenced these aspects of who I am now. Are we really just reflections of the people we have in our lives, or is it just that I'm more sensitive to this now than I was before?

Who am I? I'm the girl that now says, "Shut up and dance with me." Because life really is dance and everyone in your life is a partner that shows you something new, I think.

Melancholy, Table for One

I sincerely hope that these bouts of melancholy are not going to become common. I've never been one to succumb to being overly emotional. Whether it was my upbringing or just my own natural response to negativity, I've spent my life living on a pretty even keel. It takes a lot to truly anger me (although when you do, you should be afraid) and most things just roll right off my back. Likewise, I don't often get over excited about much. I have a sense of humor that is definitely off-color but also a little off-kilter, because humor is how I deal with most situations. And yet, I find myself, for the second time in as many weeks suffering from apparent melancholy.

I've been feeling inadequate in so many aspects of my life recently that I'm not sure what to do. I applied for what I would consider my dream job with my dream company and have had nothing but crickets in the deathly silence. I even went so far as to attempt to contact the hiring manager directly after not hearing anything from the normal channels. I know that I could bring a lot to the company, but this has definitely put a chink in my professional armour. Add to that the frustrations I've been having in my current job and I feel as if I'm slipping, as if the excellence that has brought me to where I am in my career is gone and I will not succeed. Overreact much?

I'm also struggling with body issues. While this is nothing new, and many women have the same problem, I'm certain it's amplified by being single again. As if there aren't enough things for me to worry about, how do I compete with women who are prettier, thinner, more athletic? I know it isn't a competition, but the laws of attraction dictate there has to be something there first. And even if I ignore all that, what about the fact that I'm falling short on my own expectations for myself? I know I'll never be that size 10 I was in my early 20's, but even my realistic goals seem so hard to accomplish.

 And finally, today's musing. Would you continue to do something that you know will likely end in a spectacular crash and burn that could leave you broken, because the ride is amazing and life changing?